Frequently Asked Questions
Why is your own stuff so grungy?
Because we are not actively Scandinavian and are highly skeptical of the immaculate.
It's easy these days to buy untouchable, apparently perfect products. We do ourselves a disservice when we buy them. That golden watch your grandfather left your father and is awaiting you is only interesting when it's outside of the safe deposit box. Take it out and use it. When you scratch it, remember how. If it breaks, then have it fixed. Every mark is part of the story of its legacy. If it's ruined, then remember it fondly instead of mourning. While it's frozen in time it's as good as dead, anyway, so how much is something worth if you can't use it?
We curate a selection of fine, grunge-free products made by others, but most of the products made by TMAP are born imperfect. When you receive them they'll probably bear evidence of their crafting. You'll be able to see hammer strikes and grinding marks and stitches and finger imprints. They may not look exactly like the one in the picture, but you can be sure they will be excellent.
Whether it's made by us or by one of our vendors, if you buy something from us and don't use it, then you are abusing it.
Are you serious?
In a sense. We're serious about treating customers well. We're extremely serious about products working well. We do not take ourselves seriously in the slightest, except as pertains to those first two issues. Snootiness is an impossible promise.
Can I sell my product on your website?
Maybe. Please contact me using the page linked above. We'll work out a deal based on each product. If you have a design but not the means to manufacture it, get in touch. We also do product design consulting.
Do you make custom products?
Yes. We can make anything. We're professionals. Please contact Alex at firstname.lastname@example.org.
What are your shipping rates?
Shipping is $3 for almost all orders in the mainland USA. Overseas shipping always presents an interesting problem. We are not interested in making money from by upcharging on shipping and handling, and want to make it as easy and surprise-free for everyone as possible.
What is your return policy?
The answer to this is simple, but comes with a significant context.
If you are dissatisfied with something you bought here, we beg you to send it back for incineration. On this subject, please read the first question answered in this FAQ.
What's with the cleaver in the background?
The cleaver is not for sale. It weighs five pounds, has a pine handle, and has only ever been used against vegetables and furniture. We can make you one if you're interested.
Are you sexist?
This is a complicated question. Of course I have sexism, but I do my best to combat sexism. Part of that is recognizing that it exists in us by virtue of where and when we are born. So vigilant introspection is critical. In fact, maybe justice is best exemplified in our fight for it. Or maybe it's when people don't have their desires and rights routinely stymied because of institutional..
..Oh, wait. You mean because we are "professional men". No, that's just because the founder happens to have been born a boy, who mostly identifies that way. This is most relevant for knowing what kinds of clothes look best on him. Plus, the phrase "These Men Are Professionals" is perfect.